Gay Bloggies

Hello again! Craig from Puntabulous here! If you know which classic episode of a beloved TV series the title of this post is referring to, you should just skip down to the bottom of this post and click the THUMBS UP button because we're totally best friends. If not, continue reading:

Go Craig! Go!

Honey! I'm home!

Well hello Natalie Portman, my wife!

What are you doing sweetie?

I'm watching the voting tallies for the Gay Bloggies!

Um, you're a moron. And that's a MagnaDoodle.

Yeah, I know. I was gonna use the Hungry Hungry Hippos until Felice ate all the marbles.

Bad dinosaur!

Where are we anyway? This doesn't look like your shitty blog.

That's because this isn't my shitty blog. We're at the Gay Bloggies website. See?

Wow! It's like, all professional and shit. They even have sponsors! And advertisements!

I know, right? Check out that Aussiebum guy! Dayum!

How come we don't have sponsors and advertisements on our website?

Well you see...

Lights please...

I think blogging should be about sharing your thoughts with the world. Trying to get people to laugh, even if no one thinks you're all that funny. Informing them of what's happening on our planet that has no other way of reaching their lives. Teaching them something new, whether it's a new word or life experience they may never have to endure. Letting people know that they're not alone. Or brightening their day, even if it's just a little bit. It shouldn't be about making money, or corporate sponsors, or selling T-shirts.

Are you sure it's not because no one wants to sponsor your crappy website?

Well duh, that too, but I still think all that other shit I said is true.

And you aren't savvy enough to get sponsors or computer literate enough to add advertisements.

Okay! Okay! I get it!

And you're ugly!

Well folks, I guess that's all from me at the Gay Bloggies. It's been a blast! I hope you've enjoyed reading my entries as much as I've enjoyed sharing them with you. It's been an honor to be included in this fierce (both in the cougar and the Tyra meaning of the word) competition and to have made it this far. Remember, a vote for me is a vote for the little guy!

Hey folks! Craig from Puntabulous here! When I found out the final challenge was going to be karaoke, I almost died. I mean, I've done a different form of karaoke on my blog with Natalie Portman, my wife, such as Baby Got Back and Total Eclipse of the Heart, but never real live singing!

I am most definitely the worst singer in the world. I can't believe I need to inflict this video upon you. You don't deserve it. Well some of you do. Seriously, what's with all the nasty comments? But most of you are upstanding individuals who would never hurt a delicate flower such as myself.

Anyway, here you go. I hope this gets you into the Christmas spirit. Or at the very least inspires you to give me a Thumbs Up. As you will see, I need the prize money for voice lessons.

Bad right? Like, there aren't even words to describe it. But you know, life hands me lemons, and I try my best to make the silliest lemonade possible. Just like everything else, I try to have a good time and not take myself too seriously.

So for the past 5 years, my New Year's resolution has been to come out to my parents. Turns out 2007 was finally the year! That's great! The bad part? Now I have to come up with a new New Year's resolution! Ugh! What am I possibly supposed to give up? There's so many things I'm doing wrong! Nothing THAT wrong of course. This challenge would be a lot easier if I ate babies or something. Then I could just say that my New Year's resolution was to stop eating babies, and everyone would be like: "That's an excellent idea! Thumbs up!" But I don't, so I need some help.

That's where you come in. I'm gonna go down a list of things that could be my New Year's resolution and you need to tell me which one it should be. To help you, with each resolution, I'll include either a celebrity Role Model or Troll Model to use as inspiration for each of my resolutions.

Celebrity Role Model: Celebrity who I use as an example of what to be.
Celebrity Troll Model: Celebrity who I use as an example of what NOT to be.

Resolution: Give up Manhunt.net.
Discussion: Let's get one thing straight, I don't meet people off of Manhunt, I just like to look at the pretty pictures. And you know, maybe a little flirty flirt chatting, but that's harmless, right? Yeah, but then I start browsing on the train rides home on Mobile Manhunt (which requires a... dare I say it... paid subscription), and that's when I realize that I might have a problem. But keeping myself busy on Manhunt prevents me from falling asleep on the train and missing my stop! That's a good thing, right?
Major Benefit: Less time on Manhunt = More time reading books.
Celebrity Troll Model: Clay Aiken
Why him? Look at the mess he got himself into because of his online debauchery! But then again, if I had sex with someone on Manhunt, and they took it public, no one would care. He'd be all like: "I had sex with Craig from Puntabulous!" and everyone would be like: "Who?" and he'd say: "Craig from Puntabulous!" and everyone would be like: "Who?" It would go on and on for a while, and then people would lose interest. The only major news outlet that would report the story would be Fox News just to show how sexually deviant gay people are.

Resolution: Look up words I don't know in the dictionary when I come across them while I'm reading rather than skipping over them and never knowing what they mean.
Discussion: It's not like I'm reading Shakespeare or anything, it's usually Star Wars novels, so I should be able to understand all the words. Skipping over words is lazy and doesn't teach me anything.
Major Benefit: I'll seem smarter at dinner parties. You know, in case I ever get invited to dinner parties.
Celebrity Role Model: Jodie Foster.
Why her? I don't know for a fact that she looks up words she doesn't know, but she always seems pretty smart. I bet she does. And then maybe she can model herself after me and come out of the closet.
Almost: I almost chose the guy who played The Architect in Matrix Reloaded, but I bet he doesn't even know what half the words he said meant either.

Resolution: Go out more.
Discussion: I enjoy drinking. Why not go out to places that specialize in drinking? Bars! But in order to do so, I must convince my friends that a night together doesn't always have to include Wii or Guitar Hero. But they're all straight. Maybe I should just go out to a gay bar and make some gay friends for once? Ugh, I hate gay people though.
Major Benefit: I could meet Mr. Right!
Celebrity Troll Model: Julia Roberts
Why her? Seems like she hasn't left her house since Mona Lisa Smile. What? Was she too busy to be in Oceans 13? Loser. And now she's back with that stupid looking Tom Hanks movie, and we've long lost interest in her. If I don't leave the house more, that could happen to me! Kinda.

Resolution: Quit sucking (figuratively).
Discussion: This is just a preemptive measure to beat any commenters who feel they need to leave the comment: "Your New Year's resolution should be to quit sucking so much! Assface!"
Major Benefit: No one likes sucky people. Especially agitated commenters.
Celebrity Troll Model: Chloë Sevigny in Brown Bunny.
Why her? She proved that sucking (literally) publicly is never a good thing.

Resolution: Exercise more.
Discussion: It's not like I'd have to start lifting weights or anything. Running would do. Geez, could you imagine me lifting weights? Besides, I look terrible in sleeveless shirts, which I assume I'd have to start wearing if I were to start lifting weights.
Major Benefit: I'll be better prepared when I turn 30 and my prepubescent metabolism slows down and I need to start fighting the bulge.
Celebrity Role Model: Andy Roddick.
Why him? Because as his Men's Fitness cover proves, he is able to grow amazing muscles with the least amount of work on his part. That's a work out (and a tennis player) I can get behind!

So which one do you guys think I should make my New Year's resolution? I'm leaning towards the "Exercising More". Exercising would help me out with most of my other resolutions. If I start running it would 1) give me less time to spend on Manhunt, 2) force me to spend more time out of the house, 3) make me look hot for when I find Mr. Right, 4) make me suck slightly less.

But it wouldn't teach me any new words. Oh the dilemma!

Hey Folks! Craig from Puntabulous here! We're getting close to the end so I'm supposed to show you where I live. How exciting! I feel like I'm a contestant on the Bachelorette! Okay fine, it's more like Average Joe, but still! SIDENOTE: I wish they would bring back Average Joe. I loved that show! Remember at the end when the couple got into that huge fight because he found out she once dated Fabio? LOL!

Knock! Knock! Knock!

Mom! I said not to disturb me when I'm playing with my lightsaber!

Oh hey! Sorry, I didn't realize it was you! Come on in!

Please abide by all the rules while in my room.

Oh my! Did you just ask to look in my drawers?! Goodness you're making me blush!

Oh...those drawers.

Here's my underwear drawer...

Which is where I keep this thing in my sock...

A fancy floating hourglass! OooooOOOOoooooo!

Here's where I keep my razor in case I ever start growing facial hair.

Fingers crossed!

And here's my lightsaber. See! So it wasn't just a double entendre for masturbation before!

Finally, here's where the magic happens!

Actually, this is where the magic happens.

And this is where the magic ends up!

That's about everything! Don't be a stranger! I'm strange enough for the both of us!

Settle down kids, I'm going to tell you a story. It's not for the faint of heart, so I'll understand if you need leave halfway through. (But if you have to leave, at least go down to the bottom of this post and vote thumbs up for me first.) I also recommend having a box of tissues handy. No, it's not that kind of story. Sheesh. Perverts.

SETTING: Work

TIME: Random Morning in 2007

PLACE: Elevator

STORY: So I got on the elevator at the Lobby level. There was already a coworker on there with one of his clients, who came up from the Lower Lobby. Me and this coworker never really got along. People like me. People like him. But for whatever reason, we never meshed. We would often bust each others balls for no other reason than because we had nothing else to say to each other.

This time, we were making fun of each other's hometowns. He was making fun of Long Island and I was making fun of Connecticut. Lame, I know, but this is how idiotic our working relationship was. We stopped at the 14th floor where he and his client were going to get off while I was going to continue up to the 18th floor.

As the doors closed, I heard him say to his client: "And in Connecticut we don't have any fags."

Yup. He said it. And as the doors were closing no less. Loud enough so I could hear, but not to my face, and not in a way that would allow me to defend myself. I knew he was going to a meeting, so calling him wouldn't work, so when I got to my desk I e-mailed him and asked him if he said what I thought he said. I never got a response and from that point on he started looking away when we passed each other in the hall.

MORAL:

He's a DICK for saying it.

He's a PUSSY for not owning up to it.

He's a DICK and a PUSSY so he should just FUCK HIMSELF.

So why is this my most important moment of 2007? Because it taught me some very important lessons:

1. There really are gay people in Connecticut. Really! I googled it just to make sure!

2. No matter how nice (and adorkable) I am, people are still bigots.

3. I'm fairly awesome and if people don't like me, it's because of reasons outside my control. (You know, because of that whole Nature vs. Nurture thing.)

PREDICTION FOR 2008: My coworker will be found tapping his foot in a shady public bathroom.

Hello again! Craig from Puntabulous here! Let's get this party started!

You want to know who I think the hottest person in the world is? Fine I will tell you.

Please hold your applause and "whoops" of approval until the end.

Huzzah! Me! I am the the hottest person in the world!

Your deafening silence perplexes me. Must I prove my supreme hotness to you?

Fine! I have two words for you: Purple Argyle. Done! Thank you very much!

Wait. You're still staring blankly at your computer screen. You still don't believe me? Ugh!

But I look so awesome in a towel!

Wait...no...I'm thinking of Jamie Bamber.

Check out these abs of steel!

Plus I have that whole geeky/sexy thing going on. I mean, who else would own Voltron on DVD?

And penises love me! Isn't that correct, Mr. Dickhead?

That's correct, you fine specimen of man flesh you! And you're amazing in bed!

Yes, Mr. Dickhead. Quite amazing.

Okay fine, it's Jamie Bamber from Battlestar Galactica. But I'm totally a close second!

Hello again! Craig from Puntabulous here! The challenge was to make a short video of whatever we wanted. I hope you guys don't consider this a cop out, but I'm presenting a video I made over the summer. It's practically brand new! I'm sure you guys haven't seen it yet. The only people that have seen it are my blog readers, so that's like 5 people. So it's new to you! Plus I put a lot of hard work into it, so it's gotta count for something!

I am proud to present: THE C-TEAM! Or as some call it: "A Tall Lanky Doofus Running Around His Backyard to the A-Team Theme Song"

I'm not sure what inspired me to make this video. The A-Team aired while I was between the ages of 2-6 so I've never seen an episode in my life. I was too busy watching DuckTales and Transformers at the time. I think I saw an episode of Family Guy when they spoofed the A-Team and I got the theme song stuck in my head.

I pity the fool who doesn't vote for me!

Ugh. I hate myself for saying that.

ANSWER 1: 4 years ago [YIPEEE!]

ANSWER 2: Melanie Griffith [YIPEEE!]

ANSWER 3: Sweden and Lebanon [YIPEEE!]

ANSWER 4: 11 [YIPEEE!]

ANSWER 5: 3 years and 2 months [YIPEEE!]

ANSWER 6: Puntabulous was nominated but lost graciously to the far superior Towleroad [YIPEEE!]

ANSWER 7: Jessica Simpson [YIPEEE!]

ANSWER 8: 19, Sean Cody, Randy Blue, First Auditions [YIPEEE!]

ANSWER 9: 11 [YIPEEE!]

ANSWER 10: [Name removed to protect the innocent]

Craig from Puntabulous here! This challenge is all about vanity shots including the color orange. I'm not so sure about the vanity part, but a challenge involving the color orange? I am SO there!

This is my pet dinosaur Felice.

His name is Felice because he looks like a phallus.

He's so cute, I could eat him up!

If they allow gay marriage, marriage with animals would be next. Me and Felice would totally get hitched.

Felice tells awesome knock knock jokes. "I thought you were gonna say banana again!"

We like doing the robot together.

He has accidents.

Bad dinosaur! Baaaaad dinosaur!

But I love him anyway.

And here's my vanity one. Look at that sexy lighting! And those bedroom eyes! Oh baby!

The challenge was to discuss your most guilty pleasure, but naming just one was too difficult. So I'm listing various pleasures and we'll put each of them on trial to determine whether they should be classified as Guilty or Not Guilty.

Defendant #1. Showgirls - Not the regular version. It has to be the VH1 version with the cartoon bras and panties painted (badly) on all the strippers. It's also better with large portions of the movie cut out so it makes even less sense.
Prosecution: What? Was Tiffani Amber Thiessen busy? (She'll always have the "Amber" in my heart.)
Defense: Who could anyone pass up Jessie Spano as a stripper? A stripper who licks stripper poles. A stripper who licks stripper poles and dreams of being a true Vegas showgirl.
Verdict: Not Guilty - At least I only catch it when it's on TV and don't own the DVD.

Defendant #2. Catwoman - Her outfit is S&M-riffic!
Prosecution: Halle Berry is no Michelle Pfeiffer. Michelle Pfeiffer was the kick-assingest Catwoman of all time.
Defense: In the movie, Catwoman goes to a bar and orders a "white russian, hold the vodka, hold the kahlua." Get it?! GET IT?! She just ordered a glass of cream! It's genius!
Verdict: Not Guilty - It's so bad it's good.

Defendant #3. Manhunt.net - I love personal ads. It's like people watching without having to leave the house! And Manhunt is personal ads with slutty pictures! What's not to love?
Prosecution: Your pubes get itchy just looking at some of those profiles.
Defense: It's not like I'm meeting anyone from it! I just like it for the people watching aspect! (And the slutty pictures.)
Verdict: Guilty - Browsing at home is one thing. Browsing on the train is another. Get a more exciting life.

Defendant #4. Your mom jokes that make no sense - "Hey, do you know where Joe is?" "I think he's at the dining hall." "I'd like to dine in your mom's halls." "Dude you suck."
Prosecution: Your mom jokes are old and unoriginal.
Defense: Your mom's old and unoriginal.
Verdict: Not Guilty - Nothing beats a perfectly timed your mom joke.

Defendant #5. Sci-Fi Original Movies - Including Pterodactyl
Prosecution: In Pteodactyl, Coolio is a marine who fights a swarm of reanimated pterodactyls.
Defense: What about Coolio fighting pterodactyls did you not understand?
Verdict: Guilty - L.L. Cool J fighting genetically altered super sharks is one thing. Coolio fighting pterodactyls is another.

Defendant #6. The Look Who's Talking Movies - Yes, all three of them! Yes, even the one where the dogs are talking!
Prosecution: Babies and dogs talking. Enough said.
Defense: John Travolta used to be quite charming! Kirstie Alley chugs a whole bottle of apple juice!
Verdict: Not Guilty - Two words: Talking. Sperm.

Hello again! Craig from Puntabulous here! Something you may not know is that DEBATES are my specialty! (Insert lame Master-Debater joke here.) Today we are trying to determine what is the cause of gayness: Nature? Or Nurture?

Speaking on behalf of Nature we have Treebeard who comes to us all the way from the forests of Fanghorn. And speaking on behalf of Nurture comes Wonder Woman, who was kind enough to take some time away from Paradise Island to join us for this debate. Welcome!

Treebeard: We have come here to discuss the great debate between Nature vs. Nurture and the development of homosexuality. This debate has raged on since the days of the early Eldar when I was not yet a young sapling; before Iluvatar created us Ents at the behest of Yavanna.

Wonder Woman: Oh my goddess! What the hell is wrong with you? You said like 80 words, and I understood, like, 5 of them! Let's face it, nurture is totally the cause of gayness. You think Paradise Island would be the sapphic lesbo-fest it is today if we didn't nurture them to be that way?

Treebeard: Well now, young lady! Does the name Steven Trevor mean nothing to you? How about a Mr. Superman? Both names of men you've been connected with romantically! If you ask me, that suggests that despite the lesbionic environment you grew up in, the nature of your DNA prevented you from being truly gay.

Wonder Woman: Listen Woodcock, or whatever the fuck your name is. It's because of nurture that would-be heterosexual men dress up as me and parade down main street U.S.A. Speaking of, every time I see a pair of hairy man-legs coming out of my star spangled panties, I just want to puke my brains out! Not to mention that not a single one of those cocksuckers ever bothers sending me a royalties check!

Treebeard: My, my, my, Wonder Woman! For someone who wraps themselves in the American flag and claims to fight for truth and justice, you sure have some animosity towards the gays! You're starting to sound like a member of Focus on the Family! Am I to believe that you feel that nurture is the true root (Treebeard made a pun!) of gayness in an attempt to make it appear unnatural and therefore a crime against nature and humanity itself?

Wonder Woman: Don't try and spin this and make me look like a bigot! This is a no-spin zone! Pretty soon you'll be using buzz works like "homophobia" and "acceptance". Ugh! Besides, I love gay people! Lesbians are hot! It's the fruitcakes I don't like! They're always parading their sex-lives around for everyone to see! I see them out having dinner and I'm forced to imagine them having hot sweaty butt sex for hours upon hours. It's unnatural!

Treebeard: You know what else is unnatural? 2,000-year-old invincible crime fighters! Boo-ya!

Craig: Excuse me, time for closing statements please. Wonder Woman, you're up first.

Wonder Woman: Show me the evidence that proves that being gay is predetermined by a person's DNA, and I'll gladly accept it as fact. Don't expect me to support funding these scientific studies, but be sure to show me the results once it's complete! But as of now there is no such evidence! It is my experience that gayness is caused by one of three things: 1) sexual abuse as a child, 2) growing up on a tropical island full of hot scantily-clad women without any men present, and 3) college.

Treebeard: Let's say you're right. How do you explain all the gay people who weren't sexually abused as a child? Or the people who were sexually abused as a child and turned out to be straight? Or the lesbians who didn't go to college or grow up on tropical islands full of hot scantily clad women? How do you explain people knowingly making a choice to be gay when their lives would seemingly be so much easier if they conformed to society's norms? Or the millions of gay people from around the world who have come from every walk of life imaginable, who don't share a common life experience (or even one of several life experiences) that triggered their gayness? But what do I know? I'm just a talking tree. I'm unnatural.

Craig: Well folks, that's the end of this debate. I declare Treebeard the winner! But let's face it, I was predetermined to declare Treebeard the winner. It's in my DNA.

Forgive me Sugar Daddy, for I have sinned. It has been (mutters incoherently) since my last confession.

Craig from Puntabulous here! Normally I consider myself an open book, so when we were asked to confess to things that we haven’t discussed on our blogs before, I thought it would be difficult. However, after much soul searching, I was able to come up with the following list:

1. We only dated for about two months over a year ago. We were never “boyfriends”. But every time I get a haircut, for the following week I still kinda wish we’d bump into each other on the street because he said he liked me better with short hair.

2. I watched the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers well into my high school years. Billy was my favorite. Dorks are cool! Right?

::crickets::

3. My mom found out I was gay by reading my blog (this post and comments to be specific). She called me at work to ask me about it. When I got home my mom, my dad, and my sister threw me a “coming out party”. There’s “accepting” and then there’s “awkward”. That definitely fell a bit in the “awkward” category. But we went out to dinner and got a bit tipsy, which always helps. After dinner (we went for Chinese food) my fortune cookie said: “If it’s meant to be, who are you to stop it?” It was pretty perfect. This all happened this past summer.

4. If I'm too scared to kill a bug myself (always) I'll put a dixie cup over it and leave it for someone else to take care of. A lot of the times this happens when I'm getting ready for work when everyone else is asleep. I'll usually forget to warn people what's under the dixie cup before I leave.

5. I have an itty bitty little freckle on the very tip of my…

Oh wait, times up? Okay, maybe next time.

So we were tasked to introduce ourselves. Hello. My name is Craig, and I write the blog: Puntabulous.

Wait, you want more? Fine.

The main thing you should know about me is that I'm a dork. The biggest dork you'll ever meet in your entire life. I know what you're thinking: "You're just saying you're a dork to make yourself look endearingly cute." To which I reply: "You think I'm cute?!" Swoon! And then you're like: "That's not what we said." And I ignore you.

You need specific examples of my dorkiness? Fine.

1. When I was a kid, I wanted to be a paleontologist when I grew up. I know what you're thinking. What's the big deal? Every kid wants to be a paleontologist when they grow up at some point. It's right up there with veterinarian and astronaut as every kids' dream job for a week. But you see, I actually went to school to be a paleontologist. I was a geology major with a concentration in biology. I implore you to find a dorkier major than geology. And if that wasn't bad enough, me and my geology friends put the phrase "Geology Rocks" on the top of our graduation caps. Hells to the yeah. Oh! And ask me if I'm currently a paleontologist. Go ahead. Ask me. Nope! Not a paleontologist. After graduation I entered the real world, went back to school to get a Masters in Business, then got a real job.

2. I easily fall in love with literary figures. Now you see, falling in love with literary figures wouldn't be so bad if they were respectable literary figures such as Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice or whoever Richard Chamberlain played in The Thorn Birds. But I primarily read Star Wars books, so I fall in love with characters like Anakin Solo (Han and Leia's third child, obvs!). In my defense, I bet Jedis are amazing in bed.

3. I put entirely too much thought into making up new words, including "polytonous". You know, like "monotonous", but with a "poly" instead of a "mono". For example:

Person A: "One time I peed in one of those Chuck E. Cheese ball pits. I was 37 years old at the time."

Person B: "What's a ball pit?"

Person A: "You know, those big bins with all the polytonous balls in it."

Person B: "Oh yeah! Dude, you're gross!"

If a large group of similar objects can be monotonous, why can't a large group of varying (yet somehow similar) objects be polytonous?

So I think that paints a pretty clear picture of the person I am. If you need more examples of my dorkiness, please note that a) My eyebrows are enormous, b) I'm 26 and live with my parents, c) I sleep in a twin bed, d) I've never had a boyfriend, e) I have the soundtrack to Battlestar Galactica on my iPod.

Enough said.

Check out my blog: Puntabulous