Hello again! Craig from Puntabulous here! Something you may not know is that DEBATES are my specialty! (Insert lame Master-Debater joke here.) Today we are trying to determine what is the cause of gayness: Nature? Or Nurture?
Speaking on behalf of Nature we have Treebeard who comes to us all the way from the forests of Fanghorn. And speaking on behalf of Nurture comes Wonder Woman, who was kind enough to take some time away from Paradise Island to join us for this debate. Welcome!
Treebeard: We have come here to discuss the great debate between Nature vs. Nurture and the development of homosexuality. This debate has raged on since the days of the early Eldar when I was not yet a young sapling; before Iluvatar created us Ents at the behest of Yavanna.
Wonder Woman: Oh my goddess! What the hell is wrong with you? You said like 80 words, and I understood, like, 5 of them! Let's face it, nurture is totally the cause of gayness. You think Paradise Island would be the sapphic lesbo-fest it is today if we didn't nurture them to be that way?
Treebeard: Well now, young lady! Does the name Steven Trevor mean nothing to you? How about a Mr. Superman? Both names of men you've been connected with romantically! If you ask me, that suggests that despite the lesbionic environment you grew up in, the nature of your DNA prevented you from being truly gay.
Wonder Woman: Listen Woodcock, or whatever the fuck your name is. It's because of nurture that would-be heterosexual men dress up as me and parade down main street U.S.A. Speaking of, every time I see a pair of hairy man-legs coming out of my star spangled panties, I just want to puke my brains out! Not to mention that not a single one of those cocksuckers ever bothers sending me a royalties check!
Treebeard: My, my, my, Wonder Woman! For someone who wraps themselves in the American flag and claims to fight for truth and justice, you sure have some animosity towards the gays! You're starting to sound like a member of Focus on the Family! Am I to believe that you feel that nurture is the true root (Treebeard made a pun!) of gayness in an attempt to make it appear unnatural and therefore a crime against nature and humanity itself?
Wonder Woman: Don't try and spin this and make me look like a bigot! This is a no-spin zone! Pretty soon you'll be using buzz works like "homophobia" and "acceptance". Ugh! Besides, I love gay people! Lesbians are hot! It's the fruitcakes I don't like! They're always parading their sex-lives around for everyone to see! I see them out having dinner and I'm forced to imagine them having hot sweaty butt sex for hours upon hours. It's unnatural!
Treebeard: You know what else is unnatural? 2,000-year-old invincible crime fighters! Boo-ya!
Craig: Excuse me, time for closing statements please. Wonder Woman, you're up first.
Wonder Woman: Show me the evidence that proves that being gay is predetermined by a person's DNA, and I'll gladly accept it as fact. Don't expect me to support funding these scientific studies, but be sure to show me the results once it's complete! But as of now there is no such evidence! It is my experience that gayness is caused by one of three things: 1) sexual abuse as a child, 2) growing up on a tropical island full of hot scantily-clad women without any men present, and 3) college.
Treebeard: Let's say you're right. How do you explain all the gay people who weren't sexually abused as a child? Or the people who were sexually abused as a child and turned out to be straight? Or the lesbians who didn't go to college or grow up on tropical islands full of hot scantily clad women? How do you explain people knowingly making a choice to be gay when their lives would seemingly be so much easier if they conformed to society's norms? Or the millions of gay people from around the world who have come from every walk of life imaginable, who don't share a common life experience (or even one of several life experiences) that triggered their gayness? But what do I know? I'm just a talking tree. I'm unnatural.
Craig: Well folks, that's the end of this debate. I declare Treebeard the winner! But let's face it, I was predetermined to declare Treebeard the winner. It's in my DNA.
Nice style, posting in the form of a debate. I'm not sure Wonder Woman would be such a bigot though.
I also disagree with the cause being strictly nature. As with most any other human trait, I believe that "gayness" is a result of the balance between both nature and nurture.
Great article though, I also visited your site a couple days ago, I plan on returning.
I always had a feeling Wonder Woman was a bitch. Thanks for confirming it for me.
youre hilarious