Gay Bloggies

In the past year I have gotten VERY comfortable sharing secrets on my site, citizendangerx.com. In fact I have done a whole series of photographic secrets which you can find there (I'll link to some below.) I also started a group called The flickr Secret Society for others to share their secrets (and put my own stylistic spin on that particular internet meme which others now replicate.)

All of that said, I still find this challenge, well... challenging. My first instinct is to tell you all a very tawdry, sweaty, gritty, damp, sexy secret. I've got plenty of those! But that seems pretty pedestrian. I thought about the different angles that might get me votes and while I came up with quite a few, none of them felt right.

I don't want to drag the mood down, but if I am going to share a secret, it is going to be one that is worth taking the time to read. So here it is... something that most people don't know, or would not initially think:

Emotional depth causes me physical pain.

I have a heart that breaks several times a day. I fall in love way too quickly. When I get hurt, it hurts hard and it feels as if it will never heal. I am not an overly sad person, but there is a part of me that is always feeling some low-grade form of sadness. I try not to let it show, but it is always there, just below the surface, a hollow that seems incapable of being filled with anything other than a measure of nagging uneasiness.

I am intimidated by men. All men. I fear that this will force me to be alone for the rest of my life. And in some ways I believe I deserve it. (There's one for my shrink!)

I had a long chat recently with an ex of mine. It was interesting to look back at our relationship and all of its troubles through his eyes. I realized he never really knew just how terrified I was. When I take a look at my relationship and career trajectory, every step forward has been accompanied by leaving someone behind.

Why is it this way? Who fucked me up? I don't really know... it's just the way I am wired. Perhaps I am taking a cue from my grandmother. She divorced in the 1970s and never remarried. She was a strong, independent and confident person, but never made that intimate connection again. We are alike in a lot of ways, so maybe I learned it from her. In fact I can think back to advice she once gave me... "depend on yourself... because then you won't be let down." Maybe I take that to an extreme.

So there you have it... confirmation... big, strong D'Mike is soft and mushy damaged goods. =/

To see some of my other secrets, check out the links below, or check out all of secrets 1-24 on my site.

This is a frightening post to put out there... so... be kind.

P.S. In the past 2 days I have eaten 4 McRib sandwiches. ZOMG.