Gay Bloggies

I think I'm pregnant.

Surprising, I know.

I'm not exactly sure if I am, but consider the symptoms:

1) I have been experiencing odd cravings for foods. The famous "ice cream and pickles" craving of pregnancy lore has been an especially problematic foe, I'm afraid. Except I'm not so much craving the pickles. Just the ice cream. As I type this, the delicate chocolatiness of fudge brownie ice cream dances upon my lips, tickling my memories of what was just eaten. But control my cravings, I cannot. After all, I am eating for two.

2) You should see my belly. It's huge. I need to start wearing those maternity pants with the elastic in the front. Before long I expect my belly-button to pop out like the turkey tester, signaling the baby is cooked. Although all this may have something to do with #1, I'm not sure.

3) I experience wild mood swings, and I have a slight tendency to become irritable. Just yesterday I yelled at my gentleman-friend because he showed up to my apartment wearing jeans shorts and crocs. Although really, it was absolutely unacceptable, in hindsight I'm glad I sent him home to change. Never mind, I was right about that. Nevertheless, I must say he is a peach. Too bad he's not the baby's father.

In fact--who is the father? There have been so many men.

So many, many men.

I am the Blanche Deveraux of my neighborhood: so many gentleman callers, yet I value and cherish them all.

Hmm. That does bring me to...

4) I don't exactly still possess an intact hymen.

But that's enough about that.

5) My breasts are tender.

Although this may have something to do with the extracurricular activities involved during the process of #4.

After all, one must utilize his/her entire body as a sexual organ, not just what's located south of the border. How unfortunate that our own bodies are often such mysteries. Have you explored your self with your hand mirror? Let's all be in touch.

I will be an excellent parent. My child will attend the finest schools, learn to strengthen his/her soul by volunteering for the less-fortunate once a month, and blossom with the love of a parent who accepts him/her for whomever s/he wants to be. And God help the poor soul who stands in my way of becoming President of the local PTA. I will bake-sale that organization into the stratosphere.

In fact, while we are sharing secrets, allow me to provide the recipe for my special cupcake icing. I'd like you to have some practice baking.

* 2/3 cup sugar
* 1/4 cup flour
* 1/8 teaspoon salt
* 3/4 milk*
* 1 cup butter
* 1 teaspoon clear vanilla extract

Place sugar, flour and salt in saucepan and mix thoroughly. Stir in milk. Cook over medium heat and stir constantly until very thick. This process will take several minutes, but keep stirring. Remove from heat and pour into a medium mixing bowl. Cool to room temperature. Add 1/2 cup butter at a time (cut into several pieces) and beat at medium-high speed until smooth. Add vanilla and beat well.

Chill icing for a few minutes before decorating. Iced cake must be refrigerated until serving time.

For chocolate: Add appx. 3 tbsps Hershey's Cocoa, and one additional tbsp of sugar; add sugar first, then add cocoa slowly. You can adjust cocoa to taste.

Yield: 2 cups.

*Increase liquid, 1 tablespoon at a time, to reach piping consistency

There. That's two secrets: I am pregnant, and I've given you the recipe to cupcake icing that will get you laid too. Unfortunately I'm not sure of my due date; I've been experiencing weight gain and irritability for approximately 15 years, but I'm hoping my big day will be soon. Wish me luck.

*Please note: I really can't be pregnant, as I am a licensed HIV counselor, and I do not--except in monogamous relationships--condone sex without condoms.