Gay Bloggies

Fuck. I just realized to my horror that I have exactly two whole minutes to complete my first challenge for the Gay Bloggies: Confess Something You’ve Never Written On Your Blog.

Well, fuck me with a 2x4. I'm in a difficult situation for a variety of reasons: I've written about my family. I've written about various job situations. Thanks to the power of the search engine, there's no way in sweet hell you're going to have me writing about my lack of a sex life, unless somehow I want that brought up at my next technical job interview.

I guess I can write about the Bachlorette party, seeing that it happened last than 24 hours ago and I had never been to one previously. Since I'm a gay groomsmen at my friend Min Jung's wedding, I'm in the unique position of having the opportunity to go to both the Bachelor and the Bachlorette party, and seriously, you know what to expect from a Bachelor party (cigars, strippers, cocaine) unless the dude is Muslim. The bachelorette party is a newer world for me. Here are some notes from last night:

• You must get the tackiest SUV Limo available. With flashing lights and neon and big wheels. Keep in mind though, I'm in tree-hugging gas-conscious San Francisco, where if you're not driving a hybrid car, you're accused of raping the earth. Last night, my friends, we raped the earth, and we raped the earth hard.
• Penis hats, penis necklaces and a giant penis inflatable doll are funny for exactly seven minutes.
• Someone must always get into an altercation with a fat white girl. Always.
• Me and alcohol don't get along. The first time I hung out with the Bride was seven years ago, where she had me do something called "friendship loyalty shots." Apparently, if you don't do shots of Crown Royal you don't score high enough on the Korean friendship scale; I had four shots and threw up for the next six hours. Needless to say I don't drink much anymore. The one nice thing about being sober is that you get to judge your friends when they get belligerently drunk, trash a limo and get in altercations with fat white girls (see above)
• The maid of honor had this great idea where if a custom-made scavenger hunt wasn't completed, the limo would be forced into swinging by an all-male nudie bar. The caveat, of course, is that the all-male nudie bar in San Francisco is the Nob Hill Theatre - think gloryholes and strung out twinks giving lap dances to closeted high school principals. While a bunch of women walking in the theater with little penis hats would be hysterical, it probably isn't the nudie fest the maid of honor had in mind.

Alas, it's tough for me to write under time constraint. My apologies. At least you have that photo of me pretending to give oral sex to a giant inflatable penis balloon.