Gay Bloggies

Throughout the Gay Bloggies competition, we have all been up against blogs very different from our own and have received support (and criticism) from an equally diverse group of fans. If anything, we all represent a few tiny points on the beautiful rainbow spectrum of Gayness.

But what does "Gayness" mean anyway? Let's study the evidence.

Gayness is... Star Quality (real or imagined):

Gayness is... Nude Opera:

Gayness is... "Retarded" (according to Apostle Delphine Thomas, a "prophetess chosen and ordained by God"):

Gayness is... Sean Connery in this photo:

Gayness is... Cute, Cuddly, and Pervy all at the same time:

Gayness is... Prayer (it didn't work for Ted Haggard... Or arguably it did):

Gayness is... Hilarious (as evidenced by these frat boys dancing around in thongs laughing at the funniness of it all):

Gayness is you and me. It's all of us. I hate to get too introspective, but competing against this particular group of guys for this competition made me realize that there are many gay universes outside of !! omg blog !!. They may baffle and frustrate me at times, but together we all make up the Grand Gay Matrix for better or for worse.

And there is one undeniable fact that links us all together.

Gayness Is... Remixing Aaron Carter's cock:

It's been real, everyone! I hate to say "goodbye" in case there is a surprise Round 13, so I'll say "happy holidays" instead with the music video for supermodel Heidi Klum's Christmas song "Wonderland."

If Gayness is anything, it's Heidi Klum blowing gold dust kisses from a CGI horse and carriage:

My karaoke performance slideshow of "Angel of the Morning" is dedicated to all the great love affairs (and anonymous bathroom encounters) that were never meant to last.

Memory lane can be sad, so let's walk it together.

See you later, Gay Bloggies. It's been fun. Just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby.

xo Frank

Participating in the Gay Bloggies so far has been a great character-building exercise, but during all the self-reflection the contest has inspired, I have come to a troubling conclusion: I think I might be kind of superficial.

Some clues...

This fills me with desire and great sadness:

This excites me:

This makes me laugh:

I like this song so much that I sometimes sing it in public:

I most enjoy political discourse that involves attractive, closeted douchebags:

Did I mention this makes me laugh?

Anyway, hope is not lost. I have identified the problem, and I resolve that in 2008 I will work diligently to ensure that I grow into a better-informed person with more diverse interests.

"But what about !! omg blog !!?" you say. "Is it gonna get all serious and stuff?"

Well you don't need to worry about that. Even as I begin my journey of personal enlightenment, I will keep bringing you the dumbest, most trivial and hilarious things ever along with a generous share of celeb balls and butts. You can't change everything at once.

When I first moved to Toronto, Canada, I had a concern that there would be no good Mexican restaurants, which I think was fair. When you think of Canada, do you think of its large Mexican population?

I moved here from New York, where I had lived for three years and where there are plenty of Mexicans, and thus more than a few reliable places I could get a good chorizo taco, though the best Mexican food I found in New York was actually not even in the New York metropolitan area (it was in Yonkers). But I digress...

Back to Toronto, my newest adopted home. When I moved here, I met new friends, one of whom is Mexican and of course shares my enthusiasm for the cuisine of her homeland. We started throwing "taco parties" and making all sorts of delicious dishes (my specialty is guacamole, hers is everything else), which entertained our friends but was a lot of work for us.

We wanted to sit down and eat something delicious made by other people, and so we started driving to remote locations all over Toronto in search of the city's best authentic taco. It's a pilgrimage that is ongoing, but I want to share with you all our findings so far.

Frank and Laura's Grand Tour of Toronto's Best Mexican Eats

Rebozo's
126 Rogers St., three blocks west of Dufferin
(416) 658-5001
The best Mexican food in Toronto hands down. The tortillas are homemade, the cochinita pibil is the best I've ever had, and they have a salsa that will burn off the roof of your mouth. It's in the middle of nowhere, but well worth the trip. I had my birthday party there last summer and ate so much...

El Jacal
1056 Bloor St. W
(416) 244-4447
Their tacos with chorizo and melted oaxaca cheese are killer. I could eat ten of them right now. Plus the owners have the most adorable baby.

El Camino Real 1
2848 Dundas St. W
(416) 769-5240
The food is good here, but more importantly there is a party room in the back with salsa dancing and karaoke in English and Spanish after 10pm on the weekends. It's the perfect place to have a nice, sober good time.

Mexitaco
828 Bloor Street W
(416) 537-6693
One of the first authentic Mexican places I found in Toronto. Very good tacos, and they have Sidral Mundet (Mexican apple soda), which scores them bonus points.

El Trompo
277 Augusta Ave.
(416) 260-0097
The tacos al pastor are delicious, if a little pricey. It's convenient if you're in the Kensington Market area.

Tacos El Asador
690 Bloor St. W.
(416) 538-9747
Not exactly Mexican, but the tacos are good and really cheap.

Yum, yum! Just thinking about all my favorite restaurants makes me want to eat a big belly-full of meat, corn, lime and cilantro! You might think my taco fixation makes me a little crazy, but at least I'll never be as crazy as this guy:

OMG, I just realized this is my first entry for Gay Bloggies that could actually be of some use to someone! Maybe I really do have what it takes to be America's Next Top Model! Or is it the Internet's Gayest Blogger?

Whatever the title, please help me get it by giving me the thumbs up! Don't I deserve it for making your next trip to Toronto so unforgettably spicy and filled with meat?

I'm not sure how long Alexyss Tylor's Vagina Power public access show has been on the air, but the moment I watched her for the first time on YouTube (April 17, 2007), I knew I would never hear so much wisdom from one person ever again. It was, in fact, the second most important moment of 2007.

One of my favorite quotes:

"We're hooked on the Penis Power and this man won't even buy you some shrimp from Long John Silver and that plate's what, $2.99? But he can give you a mouth full of sperm and a rectum full of sperm. We have to see what our issue is, because a man like that does not respect a woman."

The importance of the Vagina Power YouTube video for me was only surpassed by that of the dance remix, which I discovered a couple weeks later (May 1, 2007):

I listened to the remix on repeat until I entered a meditative trance. And when I woke, there was absolute clarity and the message of 2007 was running through my brain: "dick'll make you slap somebody."

Talk about an important moment! I will carry that lesson in my heart even when 2007 is a distant memory.

Of course I don't have to tell all you avid readers of !! omg blog !! and Queerclick anything about the power of the penis. But I will tell you that I'll share my entire porny prize with you all if you give me the thumbs up to keep me in the game! Non-stop contests till the porn is gone, but only if I win. xo Frank

There is nothing more attractive to me in a man than self-love, and my Gay Bloggie competitor Bryanboy has far more than your average 17-year-old.

His boundless confidence lets him strike a perfect pose every time, whether it's with a handbag...

Or a hot dog...

Or a toilet...

And he's never afraid to face the camera, even at the most embarrassing moments...

But before you go and vote for Bryanboy and all his hottest-on-planet-Earthness, I ask you to consider one thing: Do you think it's fair for one person to possess not only beauty and youth, but a $2500 cash prize as well?

I didn't think so!

On !! omg blog !! you can find whatever man you think is the hottest on planet Earth, and he'll be naked! Isn't that worth a thumbs up?

(Image Source: bryanboy.com)

My adorable cat Anderson Pooper (the official cat of !! omg blog !!) likes a good spin on the floor now and again, but he never lets me do it for more than ten seconds or so. This film explores the possibility of a longer spinning session and its repercussions. It's heavy stuff, not for the faint of heart, but before you accuse me of animal cruelty, rest assured there is generous looping going on in the video.

If you're not too dizzy by the end, please give me the thumbs up and maybe I'll put some of that prize money towards making more important art like this! xo Frank

Answer 1: 4 years ago [YIPEEE!]

Answer 2: Melanie Griffith [YIPEEE!]

Answer 3: Lebanon & Sweden [YIPEEE!]

Answer 4: 10 [WHOOPS!]

Answer 5: 3 years, 1.5 months. [YIPEEE!]

Answer 6: Towleroad [YIPEEE!]

Answer 7: Madonna [WHOOPS!]

Answer 8: 19. Aussiebum, Sean Cody, Randy Blue. [YIPEEE!]

Answer 9: 11 [YIPEEE!]

Answer 10: [Name removed to protect the innocent]

In case you hadn't figured it out from my other postings, I am far too bashful to post a "vanity photo" of myself, so I hope you enjoy this moment instead: I am out dancing in my best cowboy couture, I see the paparazzi coming, and I quickly pull out my huge QC-signature-orange sign that I keep with me always to block the flashes. Boo-ya, grandma!

My precious cat Anderson Pooper loves Queerclick, too:

He's also saying, "Vote for Frank! !! omg blog !! is the best!"

Only I speak his language, so you'll have to trust me on both counts. And in case you didn't hear the cat, please give me the thumbs up and help me win the big cash money! xo Frank

I'm going to take this opportunity to give you all a rare glimpse into my most intimate evening rituals. You might call them guilty pleasures if I had any remorse whatsoever. But let's just say they're things that might make other people feel embarrassment on my behalf.

First, a little Pizza Hut to start the evening, because after a hard day of blogging, the only thing that can satisfy my hunger is a thick pie of processed white flour and factory cheese drenched in margarine and hydrogenated soybean oil. But I feel no guilt. If it's good enough for Gorbachev, it's good enough for me:

Once the pizza arrives, I settle down for a relaxing viewing of my Showgirls VIP Edition DVD (a gift from !! omg blog !! super-reader Josh Y.), which only gets better every time I watch.

Then it's time to hit "da club"! I only go dancing in curvy, older woman drag, because in the immortal words of Nomi Malone, "I like having nice tits." This is a photo of me dressed as Karen (one of the Bowling Moms from Amazing Race Season 5), dancing it up vigorously (notice the sweat stains).

All that dancing might wipe me out, but before I go to bed, it's not a complete day in my life without a delicious can of Pillsbury Cinnamon Buns (not Grands, the regular sized ones), which I will enjoy in its entirety. Yes, that's eight cinnamon buns. If that doesn't make you want to give me the thumbs up, then you are a cruel person.

Yum yum yum... Vote for me!! xoxo F

In the question of "nature vs. nurture," I am firmly on the side of nature, as illustrated by these adorable videos of male animals humping and doing other gay things together.

Cats (on top of the fridge. Kinky):

Dogs (large and small, different positions):

Bunnies (Aww):

Moose (just gettin' some head):

Gorillas (dad/son play):

You can't fight the evidence. The only thing more natural than gay animals doing it is giving me the thumbs up so I can continue in this gay (from birth) contest! xoxo Frank

Readers of !! omg blog !! will know that I have had at least a three-year moratorium on Paris Hilton-related items.

There has been major Paris over-saturation in the blogosphere, and I have chosen not to contribute to it mainly because I have found this bulldog in a lobster costume to be more compelling (and well-dressed) and these fratboys in thongs more able to hold my attention. Even Paris's attempts to be sexy (illustrated below) are not nearly as titillating as the Larry Craig scandal, but really, the lack of Paris on !! omg blog !! just comes down to my earnest efforts to only feature real women with real talent.

So here is my confession. Now that no one cares about Paris anymore and she's gone to seminary or wherever she is, I can't get her off my mind! Did she really find Jesus in prison? Is she starting a new life?

To show you just how serious I am, I will post two funny pictures of Paris, which is something I would never allow myself to do on my own blog. Oh, the catharsis!

Enjoy the sluttiness, and don't forget to vote for meeeeeeeee! xo Frank

Don't cry, Paris. I just made you a little more famous!

One thing I've learned from writing !! omg blog !! since 2003 is that no one likes a blog entry that takes longer than one minute to read and digest, and that's only if there is some sort of nudity. Otherwise it's thirty seconds. So here I go: start counting.

It all started with a simple mirror.

That healthy interest in myself led naturally to an interest in spandex.

Which continued into adulthood. I had to glue my friend's hair onto my face because I can't grow a real moustache.

My cat Anderson Pooper is adorable.

He sits with me while I write my blog, which serves only one purpose: to entertain you. It's not my online diary nor any other sort of emotional outlet. I only hope it makes you laugh, or think, or get a boner.

Remember what sets !! omg blog !! apart:
Our readers are smarter than average.

So do the smart thing and vote for me, please please please. I really need the money.

xo Frank